yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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