i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
