Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
