remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
