I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
