Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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