There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
