i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
