i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
