I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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