I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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