When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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