so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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