i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
