guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
