ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
