Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
