I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
