I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I checked into jail on foursquare
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
