So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It's just like the Real World with babies
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
