Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
