i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
