theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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