I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
