I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
