Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The Olympian is in my bed
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
