Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
