there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
