The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
