How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
