Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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