She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We're not piercing ourselves today.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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