just come out here and I will go home with you...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
