After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
