He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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