My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
