Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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