wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
