I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
