I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
