dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
