Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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