I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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