remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
