There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
