I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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