Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
