Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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