Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
