why didn't you poke me back
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
