So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
