Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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